


don't be afraid//it will be okay

by pinkish



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, post-briarwoods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:12:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5870956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkish/pseuds/pinkish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keyleth grieves after the attack on Emon, the Keep and among the people she thought were family.<br/>for prompt #2:  A story about rising to a challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't be afraid//it will be okay

After the whole...thing with the skull and Grog and Percy, and after Allura rescued them from themselves, Keyleth couldn’t stop crying. Well, to be honest, she’d been crying before the whole thing with the skull, but that had been grief and shock. Now, she was crying because she couldn’t stop. It was anger and fear and a sense of loneliness that she’d never felt before.

She took in great gasps of air and tried holding her breath in the hope that her body would just _stop,_ but all that did was hurt her lungs and make her sob all the louder when she finally let go of her breath. She couldn’t remember getting from Percy’s workshop to her tree, which was -- thankfully -- still alive and mostly unharmed. Somehow, she found herself at its roots, curled up around it.  She stayed there for -- hours? Taking and giving strength, breathing in through its leaves and drinking from its roots. Letting the rhythm of sap and light guide her breaths, as her sobbing quieted and her tears slowed. She clutched the tree like it was the only thing she had left and...maybe it was.

Maybe it was? The thought rocketed through her body like lightning and it _hurt._  Vax was so withdrawn and Percy was so confusing _._  She couldn't tell if they even wanted her around, and she wasn’t even sure she could give them what they needed, if they even wanted anything. Scanlan had a new family and didn’t need Keyleth ruining it. Pike had a true purpose, one she could only fulfill alone. Grog was...not a good person any more. Keyleth had no idea what to do with that -- she wanted to help, but Grog didn’t _want_ help. And anyways, if anyone could help it wouldn’t be her. Tiberius barely even said goodbye when he left, but she should have seen it coming. His life didn’t have room for Keyleth in it. Even Vex hadn’t trusted her enough to just talk to her. Vex, who’d been her first and best friend, who helped Keyleth with all the stuff she was awful at and didn’t make fun of her or call her stupid or blame her when she did or said something wrong. Vex, who Keyleth thought would always be there for her. Vex.

For some reason (she pushed the thought away) this left more empty space than the others. Keyleth -- Keyleth was _angry_. At herself for being such a bad friend that one of her friends, family, somehow meant more than the others. At the others for making the absence of Vex so stark and visible. At Vex for making her feel this way. Although until that point the tears had mostly stopped, leaving dry salt-stains along her face, she’d managed to work herself up to the point of crying again. This time, though, it was a quiet crying. Not the loud, wracking sobs of before, but a slow, quiet sadness. Like she’d come to terms with a loss she hadn’t even known she’d experienced.

At first, Keyleth thought the presence she felt was an echo from the tree or the spirit that Pike had conjured, but when she felt the light touch of a hand on her shoulder she shuddered.

“Sorry,” came the whisper just behind her.

Keyleth turned around, slowly, putting her back against the tree and drawing strength from the contact, to see Vex kneeling before her, her hand hovering just above Keyleth’s shoulder, where she’d pulled her hand back.

“Vex,” Keyleth said, though her voice cracked, sounded like she’d been shouting (had she been shouting?).

Vex had removed her hand when Keyleth had shuddered. And Keyleth couldn’t take that -- couldn’t handle having Vex so close and afraid or unwilling to touch her, so she reached for Vex’s hand and pulled her down until she was sitting cross-legged in front of Keyleth. It took everything in Keyleth not to pull herself towards Vex and lay her head in her lap, but she was so unsure now. Yesterday, she’d have cuddled up to Vex without a thought, but the look on Vex’s face as she’d turned away and left the room, apologizing, but unwilling to stop -- that had shaken her.

Keyleth started to pull her hand out of Vex’s, to curl it around her chest and hide her face in her arms, but Vex held on tight, knuckles white, nails digging into Keyleth’s palm.

“Please, don’t,” Vex’s voice was strangled, tight, just as broken as Keyleth’s had been. “Please don’t let go, Keyleth.”

“Okay,” Keyleth whispered, “okay.”

Vex loosened the pressure on Keyleth’s hand, but didn’t let go entirely. They stayed there, silent, feeling the world around them move. Keyleth could hear Pike comforting the people they’d been able to save, and although she could still hear people crying -- for loved ones who hadn’t made it -- she could also hear people praying, thanking Sarenrae, thanking Pike, thanking _them_.

“It’s our fault,” Keyleth said, half-hoping Vex wouldn’t hear her.

“Keyleth,” Vex’s hand tightened around Keyleth’s fingers again, “you heard Allura -- this would have happened with or without us.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Keyleth couldn’t keep the anger from her voice, and felt Vex tense in response. “We haven’t been the people we should be. We’ve been ...” Keyleth trailed off, unsure how to describe the feeling of wrongness.

“Greedy,” Vex said in a whisper almost too low for Keyleth to hear -- low enough that Keyleth wasn’t sure if she was supposed to hear it.

Keyleth tugged Vex’s hand towards her again, pulling Vex down to the ground and into her arms. She burrowed her head in between Vex’s neck and her shoulder and released a soft sigh when she felt Vex settle on the ground and pull her arms tight around her.

“We just haven’t been what we should be. We haven’t been as good as we can be,” Keyleth said as Vex stroked a hand down Keyleth’s back.

“I’m sorry, Keyleth.”

Keyleth felt the words as breath across her skin and she held Vex more tightly, as if she would float away if Keyleth didn’t hold on as tight as she could.

“Are you going to leave me?” Keyleth hadn’t expected to ask the question, felt it leave her mouth before she realized how it would sound, how it would force an answer that Keyleth wasn’t ready to hear.

Vex pulled back quickly, sharply, and Keyleth felt tears well in her eyes again.

“Why would I _ever_ leave you?”

Keyleth lifted her eyes to meet Vex’s and saw -- hurt, confusion, pain -- in Vex’s eyes.

“You were running, before--with the skull, and---I asked you to stop--and---you didn’t. You were going to leave and I don’t know why...” Keyleth said, pausing every few words to take in a shaky breath, trying to keep her words steady.

“Oh, Keyleth,” Vex pressed her forehead against Keyleth’s and took in a shaky breath of her own, “love, I was so scared. I didn’t know what the skull was. All I knew was that Grog and Percy were willing to hurt each other for it and I didn’t want you to have to be anywhere _near_ it.”

Keyleth was quiet as Vex paused, gathering herself, recalling the memory.

“It was so _alive_ , Keyleth.”

Keyleth could feel Vex shaking, so she warmed her hands and mimicked Vex’s movements from before: stroking down her back and radiating calm and comfort.

“You were...trying to protect me?” Keyleth couldn’t keep the shock, the wonder, from her voice, and she felt Vex flinch.

“Of course -- Keyleth,” Vex sighed, frustrated, and tightened her hands into fists, grabbing onto Keyleth’s shirt under her cloak. “I don’t know how to make you believe me, and it kills me that you don’t -- but you’re _family_ . I would do anything for you and I will _never_ leave you. I will die before I leave you.”

Keyleth’s heart stopped for a moment, then started up again, pounding so loud it was all that Keyleth could hear. She was sure it was all that Vex could hear too. She burrowed her face closer into the crook of Vex’s neck instead of replying -- words would only let her down, anyway.

They stayed there until the sun set, and until it rose again. As Keyleth fell asleep, she felt a certainty that she’d thought was impossible only hours before:

Vex was here. She could face whatever came, now that Vex was here.

**Author's Note:**

> fyi; Keyleth is wrong -- I borrowed some of the intrusive thoughts I feel when I have feelings I don't really know how to handle to give voice to Keyleth's grief, and it sounded a bit too real, so I wanted to make it clear here: it's okay to love people, and when people let you down, or when people have other things they pay attention to, it doesn't mean they don't love you. 
> 
> title from Julia Nunes's "That Was Us" https://soundcloud.com/julianunes/that-was-us


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